Kids

I have always wanted children. When I was little I played house every chance I could get. I dragged my dolls everywhere. Like the store and trips of any sort. I bought real baby clothes for my dolls because I wanted them to look real. I would put them in the children's seat in a shopping cart. I remember several times when people really thought they were real kids!!! I always got a huge kick out of that. :-D Two dolls were my favorites - Laura (who was a Thumbelina doll) and Emily. She was a talking doll. I pretended I had six kids. Yes, six. lol My dream in life was to get married and have tons of kids. I don't know if being the youngest of five had anything to do with that or not. My first dream became reality. I got married to a wonderful man. He's God's answer to my dream. :-)

Now my second dream is another thing altogether. Doctors have told me that I could have a kid! Finally! I was jumping up and down with joy. If you could imagine.... Well, I started having irregular periods. I got concerned, and today was the BIG day. I got to see a high risk doc! Well, the long and short of it is that they said I could not have a child right now after the one doc had talked to me for an hour and it sounded so promising. I have too many risks for me and the baby. I didn't want to cry in front of them. I tried hard to be brave. God helped me get through it. The one doc did say that the medical world advances fairly quickly, and who knows. I may be able to have a kid one day. Like that helped. So I managed to leave without bursting into tears. I waited in the lobby for the HOP (a special transportation bus) to pick me up and take me home. It took me more than an hour to get home because of the other three people getting dropped off.

But by the time I got home I had stuffed my emotions too deep to bring out. I didn't do much all afternoon. I did update my blog while talking to my best friend. She helped me a lot, but I didn't outright bawl till six this evening. I sobbed and sobbed until I couldn't sob anymore. I felt sick and dizzy and wanted to throw up. I felt so weak and empty. Ben held me the whole time. I sobbed out that I couldn't get pregnant. He just kept holding me. After I had cried it all out, I told him what happened. He said that there is always hope. God can give me this desire if he chooses. I said I can't hope. It will hurt like this again. I told him to hope for me.

But one thing I don't want is to turn bitter and hateful because I can't have kids. I don't want to turn against God. I love Him, and I know He loves me and cares for me. I just want to trust Him through this. And yes, I know He can give me a child one day. That's a fact. I'm praying God gives me some hope. I want to have God live through me every day of my life. Even now! But I will say that I have never hurt so bad in my life. This has been hard. It has been an emotionally draining day.

I've always wanted to adopt. I'm praying that God will lead us to know if and when we should. Please pray with me.

I'm off to bed now.